Light.

Light glorifies everything. It transforms and ennobles the most commonplace and ordinary subjects. The object is nothing, light is everything.

Leonard Missone

LOVE these! I love learning in my passion!

Flickers of Hope

This week has been good. Me and Scott have been doing much better. I'm getting a little more hopeful every day. Our counselor suggested we write a list of our "Landmines" and talk about it. We must have talked for hours today. No fighting, just talking. He was so sweet. Held my hand and kissed my cheek. There is a reason I fell so hard for him in the first place, and I'm starting to understand why that was again. He is so caring and dedicated and willing to work on anything and everything he needs to.
It is going to be okay. I see that.
God has a plan and sometimes I forget he does. All hope is not lost.

And she loves him. She loves him oh-so-much. :)

Hurting.

I don't think he realizes how much I'm hurting right now.

I cry.

I scream.

I hide the truth from my little girl.

We're trying to work on things. He complains, I don't say anything, we fight. 

I hide in my room and smile for her, laugh for her, play with her.

But when she's asleep it all comes out. 

She goes in her swing and I go into the shower and let it all out. 

I stay in there sometimes for hours while she's sleeping.

Just crying.

Sitting on the shower floor with my head in my knees, crying.

It doesn't go away, it lingers.

I feel like this constantly, every day.

We're doing better but I'm feeling worse.

I feel like I'm going down...

down...

down...

and I'm not getting better.

Nothing is helping.

I don't think anything will.

At least she doesn't see it. And he doesn't notice. 

Homemade Baby Food!

I tried something new today and I'm very pleased with the outcome. Homemade avocado baby food. Organic and has no coloring, additives, or preservatives. Completely fresh and healthy. I've made a step-by-step for how I did it in case anyone wants it!

Makes almost a week's worth of fresh avocado.

And the Final Product:

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, super busy but will resume soon!

Sickly and a Crazy Baby.

My daughter makes me giggle. Currently she is sitting next to me wiggling and laughing at her toes.
She is four months old as of the 21st and the happiest, craziest, wiggliest little thing.
Just the other day she was in her jumper and turned ALL the way around by herself! I was so proud.
How can someone so small take your entire heart by storm? It's not fair. Loving someone so little to death just... I don't know. I adore being a Mommy. She's the best baby.

On another note, I'm very sick. I don't know what it is but I have a stuffed nose, headache, sore throat, and these God awful canker sores in my mouth that I want to rip out with a scissors. Ugh. So I've embarked on another project:

Mom Comics.

They are comics starring me and my daughter made just for Moms!
Here are a few:

We are on Instagram and Facebook:

IG: momcomics

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/MomComics/531423966908274

Project Perspective

I've decided I need a change of perspective. 

I birthed a project that will be finished in about 

a month or so named:

Project Perspective.

It's a little secret right now, but I will be

posting the model pictures on my

Facebook page.

 

This is Ava Nicole. Her view on the

world is:

"You need to play before you're old."

Ava is seven years old.

Now remember these are just a taste of what will come. It's exciting!

Retouching... AHHH

I love my photography, trust me I do. Sometimes retouching takes FOREVER and I never seem to get a picture right no matter what I do.These are the newest ones from the most recent Valentine's shoot I did. The couple was amazing to work with and so adorable. The pictures are all perfect but I can never seem to get them "right."

Take this picture, for example. I love the black and white but for some reason I still don't feel like it's finished. I feel like there should be a heavy vignette and some color splash. Now I realize this is a beautiful moment with the perfect edit for the picture, but I never feel done. It's so frustrating sometimes because I want my work to be good and I want people to love the pictures they get from me.

 Or this one. I still feel like there should be bokeh hearts or something in the background, but it's beautiful. I love their faces, the smiles, the joy radiating from them. You can just tell they love each other. I still adore this shot, but I would overedit if I didn't stop myself.

And this one is my favorite so far. The blue on the wall is so pretty. I also love her smile. Still so cute.






I just feel like I'm underediting. Ahhh... The joys of being a new professional.

God... Do you hear me?

 I miss him every day. Counseling, please Lord let counseling work to at least get us started to our future I still imagine every day of my life. He comes, sees her, leaves. We sit across the room from each other, stare, don't say a word about anything but her. When he kisses her goodbye and walks out the door... I die a little more inside. He plays with her while I steal glances at him. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh, the way we would play and wrestle and cuddle at night. I miss how he would kiss the top of my forehead and tell me there was nobody else. I love him, God. With you as my witness I would still marry this boy if my better judgment didn't force me not to go back right now. I'm scared when we finally do get things decent enough to try again he will be over me... He won't want me. What would I do if someday he tells me it isn't worth fighting for anymore. We are still a family, he is still the one I want forever and always. I hold the image of us with our baby girl when she was born in my heart forever. He promises me that we will get through this and he tells me he misses me.. But he can hardly look at me when we are face to face. Just the occasional "So how are you?" "Fine, just tired. She misses you."
In my head I finish with a "I miss you, too..."
Please tell me you're listening up there, I could really use someone to not judge me for how I feel about him. I don't want to miss him this much, or to hurt as much as I do. But I sit and I look at the pictures from the last year and a half... I will never get over him, Lord. I need my best friend, my movie buddy, my partner in crime, my sweetheart. Someday everything will make sense, Lord. I really am putting my faith into you. Everything from my past. Take it, run with it, and please help me. There's so much I have to get through before I can be whole again. But I trust you.

I'm learning to trust you again.

We made a forum!

Me and Miss Megan made a new forum for parenting/pregnant teens and twenty somethings! 

Come join us!

(And say Emma sent you!)

Accusers and Abusers.

It's been three years. The picture today is of me three years ago. Almost exactly to the day it's been three years. He was my second boyfriend. My second relationship. My first wasn't even really a relationship at all. More like "You want to be my boyfriend? Sure!"
But this was different. It started out beautifully. He was the sweetest thing I had ever met. And coming from a pretty rotten home life, that was a saving grace at the time. Flowers, hugs, presents, talking on the phone all night. Pretty much everything about a relationship you see in the movies. Everything was perfect until his ex found a new relationship. Then things got... scary. He would be overtly possessive, but distant at the same time. He would want me more than anything when she was around, but any other time I was trash. He would always tell me that I was his and if I questioned anything he said at all he would grab my arms. That's how it started. Then it went to hitting me and insulting me. Accusing me of cheating, accusing me of being a "slut" or a "whore." Then the day came when he had finally had enough. His ex was pregnant by her new boyfriend. She was having another guy's baby. He snapped. Told me during the school day that after school we would go to the park, he was sorry for being rude and mean and he wouldn't do it again. He apologized for hitting me and he kissed me on the forehead like he had used to do, actually called me Mousie like he used to. When we got to the park it was just me and him on the playground. He told me that he loved me and he wanted me to always be his. He told me that he wanted me, all of me, right there and then. I backed away. I can remember everything like it was yesterday... When I told him no he grabbed my arms, hard. He told me I was his, and if I was his I owed him. I owed him for everything he'd done for me. He pinned me then, he had his knees digging into my thighs and he closed his hands around my throat. He told me if I screamed that I wouldn't wake up. He said I needed to show him I loved him. I wiggled one knee free, thank God, and kicked him where it counted. I ran so fast and I ran right to the nearest person I saw. I just followed them until I got to my house. I realize that I wasn't raped. I never actually was raped. But my God that memory is vivid. That memory is so clear in my head that every time I hear his name or hear about something he said, it replays. I have nightmares still because I never know if he will show up again. I don't know if he will find me. I moved, but I'm still terrified. And now that I have Bo it's worse... I thought with time I could just erase it from my memory, and Scott has helped so much. Even if we never get back together I will always be in his debt for everything he's helped me with. Everything he understood, listened to, held me while I cried over. Everything. I don't know why I needed to explain this, but it helped to write this. Especially since I'm single now, it's lonely. I'm lonely and alone and I never know if he will find me. And now with nobody to protect me from him... I'm scared.
After three years I'm still scared.

Anything Can, and Will, Happen.

Finished the first of many Valentine's shoots last weekend! That's why I haven't really posted much! I'm sorry. It turned out beautifully, though, and I have attached the collage to this post. My dog ended up having to actually be in one of the pictures like an imbecile. It was hilarious. The couple is awesome, though, and went with it. The picture actually turned out great.
Now to the baby and Mommyhood. Scott and I are working together to try and parent her, and tonight is his first night alone with her. I am a little nervous but he needs practice, and he won't be alone. Now that me and his foster mother are on speaking terms again, I'm not too worried. I've come up with goals for the next few months to get myself to a good place of self respect and hopefully, happiness.
1) Rebuild bridges I've burned.

2) Spend more time in prayer and talking to God, going to church.
3) Get a job/make friends so I'm not alone.
4) Continue exercising and getting my self image back.
5) Be the best mother I can be to that little girl.

Life can really only get better if I allow it to. It can only go up from here. Hitting rock bottom is never fun but it always allows to you realize your own faults and wrongdoings. I always thought I had to be strong and not ask for help but sometimes, I guess that's okay. I always thought I had to do everything myself and I knew how to do it all. But I don't. And I'm sure nobody else does.
God works in mysterious ways, they say, and let's just hope that this is his way of telling me I need to start moving on from my past.
Here goes nothing!

Studios, Valentines and Backdrops, Oh my!

Set up my amazing studio in the past few days! Here's the journey!

Personally I think it's amazing! It took me only three days, four two by eights, an old duvet cover, and some rearranging! Now I'm ready for the start of my Valentine's shoots tomorrow! 

    

Just Another Day.

Well today I finished Bo's three month portraits, and I think they turned out just shy of amazing! She was extremely cooperative and she knows now when there is a camera in front of her. She is my child. I set up with a simple white comforter for a background, and put her in a Bitty Baby crib. (A type of baby doll for those who aren't familiar. She wore just a plain white onesie and I accessorized with various hats and sunglasses. She had a blast.
I only got about six keepers, but I think they are wonderful. Frame worthy, even!









I love having my own little model at my disposal, and it will be wonderful having these pictures for in the future when she leaves the house (Which she totally never will because she loves her Mommy way too much and couldn't inflict that torture on her.)

My business is having a giveaway and I am pretty excited about it, if people even try! We almost have 100 likes on Facebook and I can't wait to see it go to 100!

God is working in my life, and sometimes even though I say I might not believe, I do. I always believe in the lord. After all, he gave me her. Thank God for her.

Diet Food is Gross.

 Today marks day ONE of my post baby workout routine.
Starting weight is 148lbs and I am planning on getting down to 130 and toning up my flabby tummy. As of today I am not drinking soda anymore or super sugary things. Fiber, Protein, and fruits and veggies. I got all of my diet food today. I have to say I'm excited about getting abs, hopefully, but I am not looking forward to the food. Diet food tastes so gross, and you can't eat as much. And the Lord knows I am a hungry girl. So this should be interesting. I don't think it will be too hard, if I work out and get really invested in it. I found a few ab workouts online, plus fifty crunches and fifty sit ups a day. After I was done today, I was dead. Wish me luck!

I Speak Thoroughly in Movie Quotes

I am sitting here watching Pitch Perfect for the first time while baby is asleep for the night. I have come to realize just how much of my vocabulary and common phrases are movie quotes. "You're like a human kanga hybrid..." "Let me remind you, BABYSITTING." "They call me MR.PIG"!
My child will grow up knowing this wonderful language and I will introduce her to the world of Disney Quotes.
Although Disney is amazing, my favorite movie to quote from would have to be, without a doubt, What to Expect when You're Expecting. It has so many amazing, random phrases that make you just sit and wonder. Especially from Janice. I swear, if you haven't seen the movie, GO NOW. You will not regret it. Pitch Perfect is equally hilarious. I think anything with Rebel Wilson in it has to have some random factor. It's so funny. She has the best timing and how serious she is about her art... It's so admirable. I definitely am a little peanut and jelly right now. She has just a way with her words... 
Today I spent most of my day in bed with baby watching movies. I needed that after everything that has happened lately. It definitely refreshed me. I haven't been able to get away from this. Nobody has stopped talking about it. But today got me away from this and it made me feel a lot better to just spend time with myself, my baby, and the Notebook. A nice cry fest took place and now I am ready to get started with second semester, Mommying, and hopefully spending time with friends more often. Oh yeah, and getting a job. Hear back this week! Life moves on, the world doesn't stop turning, and I can't sit around and do nothing... 

It's Over.

But I'm not miserable. I don't really feel like spilling the nasty details, but it was pretty brutal. I love him still, but I'm not going back anytime soon, if at all. He needs to start working for me, he lost sight of our love. He needs to remember how to romance someone and he needs to learn how to be a father. On my end, I need to learn how to move on from things in my past, and find myself. I think this is going to be a good thing for us. I think this is positive for me. Looking at her, it hurts, because she looks just like him, but she's happy, and healthy, and she is going to be just fine. So maybe it is okay for me to be happy... to worry about myself for a while? I don't know, but it's worth a shot. And if we don't end up together again at some point? Well then I guess there will be something more waiting for me. And someone will come along who can love me and my daughter the way we deserve to be loved. Treat us with respect and dignity. He will be everything I need.
And Scott, if that isn't you... Sorry. I'm going to move on. I'm going to find myself again.

My Child is Weird.

Just Because I Need To Add This.

My child is weird. She literally refuses to sleep unless I play Gangnam style for her. I think it was because on the way to the hospital while I was in labor we were dancing (Yes, even the hugely pregnant woman in labor having horrible contractions) to it. We would do Gangnam style to try and get her out. She loved it! And now when I play it she either smiles or goes to sleep. (I prefer the latter.) I love her, though. So her quirks are just too cute! 

Three Months.

Oh. My. Goodness. 

Bonnie Joy is Three Days away from being three months old!

Pictures from the first three glorious months of my life.

<3

8cm Dilated 

Right away after birth!

She's here!

 Mommy and Bo

 Newborn

 One Month

 Two Months

 Three Months.

"Each Disney princess is pretty as a pearl, but none are as beautiful as my baby girl."

I love you, Bo!