But this was different. It started out beautifully. He was the sweetest thing I had ever met. And coming from a pretty rotten home life, that was a saving grace at the time. Flowers, hugs, presents, talking on the phone all night. Pretty much everything about a relationship you see in the movies. Everything was perfect until his ex found a new relationship. Then things got... scary. He would be overtly possessive, but distant at the same time. He would want me more than anything when she was around, but any other time I was trash. He would always tell me that I was his and if I questioned anything he said at all he would grab my arms. That's how it started. Then it went to hitting me and insulting me. Accusing me of cheating, accusing me of being a "slut" or a "whore." Then the day came when he had finally had enough. His ex was pregnant by her new boyfriend. She was having another guy's baby. He snapped. Told me during the school day that after school we would go to the park, he was sorry for being rude and mean and he wouldn't do it again. He apologized for hitting me and he kissed me on the forehead like he had used to do, actually called me Mousie like he used to. When we got to the park it was just me and him on the playground. He told me that he loved me and he wanted me to always be his. He told me that he wanted me, all of me, right there and then. I backed away. I can remember everything like it was yesterday... When I told him no he grabbed my arms, hard. He told me I was his, and if I was his I owed him. I owed him for everything he'd done for me. He pinned me then, he had his knees digging into my thighs and he closed his hands around my throat. He told me if I screamed that I wouldn't wake up. He said I needed to show him I loved him. I wiggled one knee free, thank God, and kicked him where it counted. I ran so fast and I ran right to the nearest person I saw. I just followed them until I got to my house. I realize that I wasn't raped. I never actually was raped. But my God that memory is vivid. That memory is so clear in my head that every time I hear his name or hear about something he said, it replays. I have nightmares still because I never know if he will show up again. I don't know if he will find me. I moved, but I'm still terrified. And now that I have Bo it's worse... I thought with time I could just erase it from my memory, and Scott has helped so much. Even if we never get back together I will always be in his debt for everything he's helped me with. Everything he understood, listened to, held me while I cried over. Everything. I don't know why I needed to explain this, but it helped to write this. Especially since I'm single now, it's lonely. I'm lonely and alone and I never know if he will find me. And now with nobody to protect me from him... I'm scared.
After three years I'm still scared.
