Figuring it Out.

I guess life is a big conundrum. One day everything is fine, the next everything is a mess, and things go back again. I don't think this is how life should be, though. Not with the one who is supposed to be the one. So what do you do when you've spent a year's worth of time and energy on one person only to have them throw it in your face? I don't know. I don't think I ever will give up hope for him. But will I get the courage to finally leave? Maybe. My daughter had her first giggle tonight, she sat there and laughed and I almost cried. She had the sweetest personality and it makes me so happy. I hope she never sees the pain I am going through. I want to leave right now more than anything but there is just something holding me back. I don't know if it's really him or just the idea of the him he used to be. She adores him. She stares and smiles and oogles at him. It melts my soul. Maybe that's it. Maybe the idea of the family I want is holding me back. Keeping me trapped.

                     She is amazing. She is beautiful. Almost three months old and time is ripping past me. I can barely hold on to a day, an hour, a minute. Each day she does something new, makes a new face, gets stronger. Something to distinguish her from the child she was yesterday. She is evolving into this glorious little girl who smiles and giggles and stands when you hold her hips. She loves Disney music and Mommy. Her toes are so tiny I just can't help but love them. She loves them painted. My daughter is absolutely everything to me. Even just today we gave her a bath in the tub instead of her baby tub and she was so much more relaxed in her seat in the tub. She's figuring out the ways of the world, and I really hope I guide her in the right direction. She keeps me sane at times of insanity, she holds my heart in the palm of her tiny hand and lets me know I'm doing as good as I can right now. I will end up figuring it out, I know I will. Life is terrifying. Raising a child at 17 is not the hard part. Relationships, issues, people, extra circumstances, are. You can't help but wonder what would life be like if I wasn't with her father? What would happen if I just walked away? How would we co parent? How would I know she was safe with him on weekends? It hurts to even think about, scares me even. I hope soon things will change, or I will hit the breaking point. I can't regret it, though. He gave me her.