Sigh. I was trying so hard to do well with what I had. I tried to make my pictures gorgeous still with a simple point and shoot. But it's not good enough. It never is. And cameras themselves cost hundreds of dollars not to mention the lenses, backdrops, supplies. I don't think I'm going to advance much farther if I'm crippled like this. It's killing me a little inside. But that's not the only thing going on lately. I'm also trying my butt off to make things work with Bo's dad. We constantly fight, argue, bicker. He's so critical of everything I do and lately I just don't want to even hug him. I think the magic is gone and it scares me. Here's the man I thought at one time I would be spending the rest of my life with. I just don't think if a promise to stay together can hold up if the spark is dead. It seems not even worth it anymore. I just don't feel what I used to. And this isn't something that's just come up recently, it's a cycle. We're good for about a week and then it's back to bickering and fighting 24/7. I feel like I've failed my daughter. I feel like I'm failing myself. I don't feel like I have a calling in life. I don't know what to do anymore. I want happiness and sweetness, love and respect, compassion and understanding. I want the basic things a human being should get from a significant other. There's just one itty bitty problem: I want them with
him. I don't want to find someone new, I won't be good enough. Who wants a seventeen year old mom with stretch marks and a crap ton of emotional baggage? Nobody. And maybe for now I should just focus on me and Bo. I think I have to. Bleh. I just needed to vent to someone.
At least my baby is happy. And I know I'm a good mother.
i've been where you are. i had my first son when i was 16. at 17, i realized it wasn't going to work with his father. i felt like, who would want a 17 year old, stretch mark covered, single mother? 10 years later, i realize how silly that was. soooo many people. you think having a child makes you less appealing. wrong! it shows maturity, responsibility.. priorities. a lot of guys want to be dads, + have no problem being a "step dad" to the child of someone they love. stretch marks... trust me, us women care a LOT more than an man does. you can't stay for the dream, of having a family. not all families are the typical, genetically related families. sometimes, the best family is the one we pieced together after the fact. you are so young. you have so so soooo much of your life ahead of you. at 17 you can't subject yourself to an unhealthy, unhappy relationship, because you feel like you won't find anything better, or YOU can't DO any better. you can. and you will (:
ReplyDeleteThank you :) I just need to let things out. I really am trying to get better and make things better. But it really helps to know others are in my situation. <3
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