God... Do you hear me?

 I miss him every day. Counseling, please Lord let counseling work to at least get us started to our future I still imagine every day of my life. He comes, sees her, leaves. We sit across the room from each other, stare, don't say a word about anything but her. When he kisses her goodbye and walks out the door... I die a little more inside. He plays with her while I steal glances at him. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh, the way we would play and wrestle and cuddle at night. I miss how he would kiss the top of my forehead and tell me there was nobody else. I love him, God. With you as my witness I would still marry this boy if my better judgment didn't force me not to go back right now. I'm scared when we finally do get things decent enough to try again he will be over me... He won't want me. What would I do if someday he tells me it isn't worth fighting for anymore. We are still a family, he is still the one I want forever and always. I hold the image of us with our baby girl when she was born in my heart forever. He promises me that we will get through this and he tells me he misses me.. But he can hardly look at me when we are face to face. Just the occasional "So how are you?" "Fine, just tired. She misses you."
In my head I finish with a "I miss you, too..."
Please tell me you're listening up there, I could really use someone to not judge me for how I feel about him. I don't want to miss him this much, or to hurt as much as I do. But I sit and I look at the pictures from the last year and a half... I will never get over him, Lord. I need my best friend, my movie buddy, my partner in crime, my sweetheart. Someday everything will make sense, Lord. I really am putting my faith into you. Everything from my past. Take it, run with it, and please help me. There's so much I have to get through before I can be whole again. But I trust you.

I'm learning to trust you again.

We made a forum!

Me and Miss Megan made a new forum for parenting/pregnant teens and twenty somethings! 

Come join us!

(And say Emma sent you!)

Accusers and Abusers.

It's been three years. The picture today is of me three years ago. Almost exactly to the day it's been three years. He was my second boyfriend. My second relationship. My first wasn't even really a relationship at all. More like "You want to be my boyfriend? Sure!"
But this was different. It started out beautifully. He was the sweetest thing I had ever met. And coming from a pretty rotten home life, that was a saving grace at the time. Flowers, hugs, presents, talking on the phone all night. Pretty much everything about a relationship you see in the movies. Everything was perfect until his ex found a new relationship. Then things got... scary. He would be overtly possessive, but distant at the same time. He would want me more than anything when she was around, but any other time I was trash. He would always tell me that I was his and if I questioned anything he said at all he would grab my arms. That's how it started. Then it went to hitting me and insulting me. Accusing me of cheating, accusing me of being a "slut" or a "whore." Then the day came when he had finally had enough. His ex was pregnant by her new boyfriend. She was having another guy's baby. He snapped. Told me during the school day that after school we would go to the park, he was sorry for being rude and mean and he wouldn't do it again. He apologized for hitting me and he kissed me on the forehead like he had used to do, actually called me Mousie like he used to. When we got to the park it was just me and him on the playground. He told me that he loved me and he wanted me to always be his. He told me that he wanted me, all of me, right there and then. I backed away. I can remember everything like it was yesterday... When I told him no he grabbed my arms, hard. He told me I was his, and if I was his I owed him. I owed him for everything he'd done for me. He pinned me then, he had his knees digging into my thighs and he closed his hands around my throat. He told me if I screamed that I wouldn't wake up. He said I needed to show him I loved him. I wiggled one knee free, thank God, and kicked him where it counted. I ran so fast and I ran right to the nearest person I saw. I just followed them until I got to my house. I realize that I wasn't raped. I never actually was raped. But my God that memory is vivid. That memory is so clear in my head that every time I hear his name or hear about something he said, it replays. I have nightmares still because I never know if he will show up again. I don't know if he will find me. I moved, but I'm still terrified. And now that I have Bo it's worse... I thought with time I could just erase it from my memory, and Scott has helped so much. Even if we never get back together I will always be in his debt for everything he's helped me with. Everything he understood, listened to, held me while I cried over. Everything. I don't know why I needed to explain this, but it helped to write this. Especially since I'm single now, it's lonely. I'm lonely and alone and I never know if he will find me. And now with nobody to protect me from him... I'm scared.
After three years I'm still scared.

Anything Can, and Will, Happen.

Finished the first of many Valentine's shoots last weekend! That's why I haven't really posted much! I'm sorry. It turned out beautifully, though, and I have attached the collage to this post. My dog ended up having to actually be in one of the pictures like an imbecile. It was hilarious. The couple is awesome, though, and went with it. The picture actually turned out great.
Now to the baby and Mommyhood. Scott and I are working together to try and parent her, and tonight is his first night alone with her. I am a little nervous but he needs practice, and he won't be alone. Now that me and his foster mother are on speaking terms again, I'm not too worried. I've come up with goals for the next few months to get myself to a good place of self respect and hopefully, happiness.
1) Rebuild bridges I've burned.

2) Spend more time in prayer and talking to God, going to church.
3) Get a job/make friends so I'm not alone.
4) Continue exercising and getting my self image back.
5) Be the best mother I can be to that little girl.

Life can really only get better if I allow it to. It can only go up from here. Hitting rock bottom is never fun but it always allows to you realize your own faults and wrongdoings. I always thought I had to be strong and not ask for help but sometimes, I guess that's okay. I always thought I had to do everything myself and I knew how to do it all. But I don't. And I'm sure nobody else does.
God works in mysterious ways, they say, and let's just hope that this is his way of telling me I need to start moving on from my past.
Here goes nothing!

Studios, Valentines and Backdrops, Oh my!

Set up my amazing studio in the past few days! Here's the journey!

Personally I think it's amazing! It took me only three days, four two by eights, an old duvet cover, and some rearranging! Now I'm ready for the start of my Valentine's shoots tomorrow! 

    

Just Another Day.

Well today I finished Bo's three month portraits, and I think they turned out just shy of amazing! She was extremely cooperative and she knows now when there is a camera in front of her. She is my child. I set up with a simple white comforter for a background, and put her in a Bitty Baby crib. (A type of baby doll for those who aren't familiar. She wore just a plain white onesie and I accessorized with various hats and sunglasses. She had a blast.
I only got about six keepers, but I think they are wonderful. Frame worthy, even!









I love having my own little model at my disposal, and it will be wonderful having these pictures for in the future when she leaves the house (Which she totally never will because she loves her Mommy way too much and couldn't inflict that torture on her.)

My business is having a giveaway and I am pretty excited about it, if people even try! We almost have 100 likes on Facebook and I can't wait to see it go to 100!

God is working in my life, and sometimes even though I say I might not believe, I do. I always believe in the lord. After all, he gave me her. Thank God for her.

Diet Food is Gross.

 Today marks day ONE of my post baby workout routine.
Starting weight is 148lbs and I am planning on getting down to 130 and toning up my flabby tummy. As of today I am not drinking soda anymore or super sugary things. Fiber, Protein, and fruits and veggies. I got all of my diet food today. I have to say I'm excited about getting abs, hopefully, but I am not looking forward to the food. Diet food tastes so gross, and you can't eat as much. And the Lord knows I am a hungry girl. So this should be interesting. I don't think it will be too hard, if I work out and get really invested in it. I found a few ab workouts online, plus fifty crunches and fifty sit ups a day. After I was done today, I was dead. Wish me luck!